DISTANT COUSIN MISSING! La House of Slightly Difficult Relatives did not have a photo of Distant Cousin. YON WONDER PASSES SECTION ONE OF WRITING TEST! Wonder, running on LOP (Loathe-Sticky-Labels-On-Produce) platform will retake Section […]
Tag: Politics
ASKEW CONTINUES SEARCH FOR WRITER OF MUFFIN MAN’S BLACK HOLE TRIP LIST!
ME-JANE NOT HURT IN MAYORAL VOTE BY HER REFUSAL TO TAKE HANDWRITING TEST! In a survey taken yesterday, 3 out of 4 Atholians said they’d vote for Me-Jane, who’s running on the COP (Chocolate-Only-Party) platform, […]
HUGH BIKE MAN DISAPPEARED INTO BLACK HOLE!
WONDER MAKES PEAR, PROSCIUTTO, AND BRIE SALAD FOR HUGH BIKE MAN & VOLUNTEERS! Yon Wonder, running on the LOP (Loathe-Sticky-Labels-On-Produce) party platform, reported that Bike Man entered The Black Hole at midnight in another attempt to […]
CAGED AND CATCHEM QUESTION PERSONS OF INTEREST IN MUFFIN MAN’S DISAPPEARANCE!
PERSON OF INTEREST PIP LONGSOCK INTERROGATED! Will Catchem questioned Longsock about her whereabouts on the evening of August 17, 2015 when Me-Jane’s chocolate supply was compromised. Longsock said, “I told you before, I spent the night […]
BUSINESS DEALS IN ATHOL!
LA COFFEE SHOP OFFERING FREE DONUT CUBE TO 1ST CUSTOMER! Gramps #3924, manager of La Coffee Shop, and Yon Wonder, Colorful Food Artist, have joined forces to bring more business to downtown Athol. Wonder denied […]
ATHOL RESIDENTS BRACE FOR HANDWRITING ANALYZES!
SUSPICION HOVERS OVER BLACK HOLE TRIP LIST PRESUMABLY WRITTEN BY MUFFIN MAN. Gramps #3924, Independent candidate for mayor, found innocent! ME-JANE, COP CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR, REFUSES TO TAKE HANDWRITING TEST. “Chocolate makes me shake.” When […]
VOLUNTEER RETURNS UNSCATHED FROM BLACK HOLE!
His hair swept sideways, his smile lopsided, obvious consequences from gravity pull, Sonny Cecil put aside his wilted raspberry and pear salad dinner provided by Yon Wonder to give an update on operations. Asked about the […]
GUNHILDA S. ASKEW REVEALS HER MIDDLE NAME: SLIGHTLY
“SLIGHT” CAN BE AN UNPLEASANT WORD, BUT “SLIGHTLY” IS ACCEPTABLE, SAYS ULRIC UDDER. Udder, SLOP candidate for mayor and founder of Anti-V and Anti-S Words Institute, was the recent target of a call from an anonymous […]
BLACK HOLE RESCUE CONTINUES AFTER BRIEF RESPITE!
LOOMING QUESTIONS: If Muffin Man did not own brown shoe laces, where did he get them? Now that Clothes That Hug You carries only wedding gowns, Me-Jane’s Hardware Store is the only business in Athol that […]
MUSIC ERUPTS FROM BLACK HOLE!
Palpable disappointment at the failure to extract Muffin Man turned to instant joy when “Are You the Man Your Mother thought You’d Be?” echoed forth from the Black Hole. Yon Wonder, LOP candidate for mayor, shared an arrangement […]
BROWN SHOE LACE VACUUMED FROM BLACK HOLE!
MAE PULLHAM, ATHOL DENTIST AND FRIEND OF MUFFIN MAN, SAID “HE DIDN’T OWN BROWN SHOES.” Ms. Pullham is the niece of Will Pullman, the first dentist to recite Beowulf while extracting a full set of teeth. DID MUFFIN MAN, […]
MAYORAL RACE CANDIDATES HOLD ALL-NIGHT VIGIL FOR MUFFIN MAN!
IN SHOW OF CAMARADERIE COP, LOP, FOP, MOP, POP, SLOP, AND SPOP CANDIDATES WILL HOLD MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR MUFFIN MAN. INDEPENDENT CANDIDATE, GRAMPS #3924, WILL JOIN THEM. LOP candidate, Yon Wonder, will provide an […]
GENERATOR FOR BLACK HOLE RESCUE OF MUFFIN MAN IS UP AND RUNNING!
ATHOLIANS ASKED TO TURN OFF LIGHTS TO SAVE ENERGY FOR RESCUE MISSION. The sabotaged generator has been fixed and tonight, Hugh Bike Man and volunteers will set up camp outside Black Hole. A lottery, […]
GUNHILDA ASKEW ADMITS CHEATING IN CONTEST WHEN SHE WAS 25 MONTHS OLD!
RESIDENTS OF ATHOL PREPARE FOR A CENSUS COUNT! Although Gunhilda Askew cheated in the How-Many-Gummies-Are-In-The-Jar contest, the review panel for the position of census taker and handwriting analyst decided Ms. Askew is eminently qualified to pass onto […]
HANDWRITING ON “TRIP TO BLACK HOLE” LIST IS NOT MUFFIN MAN’S!
ATHOLIANS ARE ASKING WHY IT TOOK KEITH M. CAGED SO LONG TO DISCOVER THIS LATEST CLUE. Mr. Smith, owner of Insect Rehabilitation Center said, “Keith may be overworked. I know what it’s like to be […]
NOMOFIRCOFO, PEEPS, PIUS, PUEW, PUEW, AND PUIW CAUSE FUROR IN MAYORAL RACE!
WILL WATT, SPOP CANDIDATE, AND ULRIC UTTER, SLOP CANDIDATE, SQUABBLE OVER ACRONyMS. Will Watt says, Acronyms are “… gd exmples of Shork (Short Speak) and Swite (Short Write). Less hot air, less energy. Gd fr envrnment.” IF ELECTED MAYOR, ULRIC […]
SHORKIST WILL WATT, NEW CANDIDATE IN MAYORAL RACE SAYS, “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!”
WILL WATT ENTERS THE RACE ON THE SPOP (SHORT SPEAKING-ONLY PARTY) PLATFORM. HE RIPS OTHER CANDIDATES APART, SAYING, “Cut vowels.” POP CANDIDATE ELSIE WHAT-WHEN DONATES PHOTOS OF SUMMER, HER SNAIL THAT DIED RECENTLY. “I want to bring […]
CANDIDATES CHANT “BRING BACK MUFFIN MAN, BRING BACK MUFFIN MAN,” INTO THE WEE HOURS OF THE NIGHT!
BESIDES HOSTING AN ALL NIGHT VIGIL, THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE GAVE GENEROUSLY TO THE BLACK HOLE RESCUE MISSION: COP MAYORAL CANDIDATE ME-JANE DONATED A DAY’S SHARE OF CHOCOLATE TO RESCUE EFFORT. “I only hope the volunteers feel […]
VACUUM CLEANERS WILL RESCUE MUFFIN MAN AND LOIS LOIS FROM BLACK HOLE.
VOLUNTEERS NEEDED TO OPERATE VACUUM CLEANERS AND GENERATORS. Hugh Bike Man, inventor of sideways roller skates, believes suction is the answer! In addition to vacuum cleaners, Hugh Bike Man is asking the public’s help in […]
CAN MUFFIN MAN AND LOIS LOIS BE RETRIEVED FROM THE BLACK HOLE?
ATHOL RESIDENT HUGH BIKE MAN MAY HAVE THE SOLUTION. Hugh Bike Man, husband of Ms. Lessparts, running on the FOP (Forgive-Our-Husbands Party) platform and inventor of spongy sidewalks to accommodate pogo stick riders and pole-vaulters, needs […]
THE DAILY ATHOLIAN: 