EARLY TODAY, SUSPECT PIP LONGSOCK ADMITTED TO COVETING CHOCOLATE, but denied biting into COP candidate Me-Jane’s stash on the night of August 17, 2015. Asked where she was on the evening of the crime, Ms. Longosck claimed she’d […]
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NOMOFIRCOFO, PEEPS, PIUS, PUEW, PUEW, AND PUIW CAUSE FUROR IN MAYORAL RACE!
WILL WATT, SPOP CANDIDATE, AND ULRIC UTTER, SLOP CANDIDATE, SQUABBLE OVER ACRONyMS. Will Watt says, Acronyms are “… gd exmples of Shork (Short Speak) and Swite (Short Write). Less hot air, less energy. Gd fr envrnment.” IF ELECTED MAYOR, ULRIC […]
SHORKIST WILL WATT, NEW CANDIDATE IN MAYORAL RACE SAYS, “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!”
WILL WATT ENTERS THE RACE ON THE SPOP (SHORT SPEAKING-ONLY PARTY) PLATFORM. HE RIPS OTHER CANDIDATES APART, SAYING, “Cut vowels.” POP CANDIDATE ELSIE WHAT-WHEN DONATES PHOTOS OF SUMMER, HER SNAIL THAT DIED RECENTLY. “I want to bring […]
VACUUM CLEANERS WILL RESCUE MUFFIN MAN AND LOIS LOIS FROM BLACK HOLE.
VOLUNTEERS NEEDED TO OPERATE VACUUM CLEANERS AND GENERATORS. Hugh Bike Man, inventor of sideways roller skates, believes suction is the answer! In addition to vacuum cleaners, Hugh Bike Man is asking the public’s help in […]
CAN MUFFIN MAN AND LOIS LOIS BE RETRIEVED FROM THE BLACK HOLE?
ATHOL RESIDENT HUGH BIKE MAN MAY HAVE THE SOLUTION. Hugh Bike Man, husband of Ms. Lessparts, running on the FOP (Forgive-Our-Husbands Party) platform and inventor of spongy sidewalks to accommodate pogo stick riders and pole-vaulters, needs […]
“ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS THEMSELVES!” SAYS GRAMPS #3924 ABOUT MAYORAL CANDIDATES
GRAMPS #3924 ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY AS AN INDEPENDENT IN THE ATHOL MAYORAL RACE. Earlier today, Gramps #3924, said, “All these fancy names: COP, DOP, FOP, LOP, MOP, POP, SLOP, promising chocolate, alphabetical businesses, forgiveness, love, […]
MISSING GRATE FROM BLACK HOLE FOUND SEVEN BLOCKS AWAY! MEANWHILE MUFFIN MAN’S DONUT SHOP CLOSES ITS DOOR.
Late yesterday afternoon, Janice J. Heimer-Schmidt found the grate covering the Shimola Ann Bancanfanmannanpanrantanvan Black Hole. Keith M. Caged, East Border Patrol Guard admitted that he had not noticed it missing at the time Muffin Man […]
MESSAGE TO CANDIDATES: EMBRACE ONE ANOTHER AND SPEAK IN LOVING TERMS!
In an interview today, Ulric Utter, running on the SLOP platform, begged candidates to eliminate V (violent) words and S (scary) words from their speeches. “Above all”, he stated, “Speak with kindness to one another.” In […]
COP, DOP, FOP, LOP, MOP, POP, AND SLOP CANDIDATES RUN FOR MAYOR OF ATHOL
Me-Jane is running on COP (Chocolate-Only-Party) ticket. “Chocolate should be available day and night.” Muffin Man is running on DOP (Depends-Upon Party) ticket. “Athol businesses should be alphabetically situated.” Ms. Lessparts is running on FOP […]
MORE VICIOUS ATTACKS ON CANDIDATES: BUTTERED ESCARGOT WAS LEFT OUTSIDE ELSIE-WHAT-WHEN’S HOUSE!
In the midst of Muffin Man’s apparent disappearance into the Black Hole, two mayoral candidates of Athol woke this morning to acts of undeniable viciousness. Elsie-What-When, still grieving over the tragic death of Summer, her pet Snail, […]
LIST TITLED “TRIP INTO BLACK HOLE” FOUND IN DONUT HOLE SHOP
Earlier today Keith M. Caged, East Border Patrol Guard, found a paper in La Donut Hole apparently written my Muffin Man listing, “All-Weather Coat, Toothbrush, Toothpaste, Care Package for Lois Lois, Donut Holes, Pajamas, Slippers.” This new […]
CARE PACKAGE FOR LOIS LOIS FOUND IN MUFFIN MAN’S APARTMENT!
A box labeled “Care Package for Lois Lois,” found in Muffin Man’s apartment yesterday evening may be linked to the mysterious disappearance of Muffin Man. According to Keith M. Caged, East Border Patrol Guard and zoologist, Lois Lois […]
MUFFIN MAN THROWS WILTED LETTUCE DRESSED WITH RASPBERRY VINAIGRETTE AT YON WONDER!
Earlier today at a campaign rally for Yon Wonder, Muffin Man attacked Wonder with three-day old salad greens. Wonder recently changed careers from Fitness Trainer to Colorful Food Artist. Wonder is running on the Loathe-Stickers-On […]
MUFFIN MAN CALLS ARTIST AH AN AMATEUR COLLAGIST! ARTIST AH CALLS MUFFIN MAN A TOADY WADDLER!
No sooner than Artist Ah entered the Mayoral Race on the Most-Certainly party platform (MOP), Muffin Man, running on the Depends-Upon Party (DOP), attacked with vicious slander.
BAN UNPLEASANT WORDS IN ACRONYMS!
Ulric Utter, running on Speak-Lovingly Political Party (SLOP) announced today that if elected Mayor of Athol, he would remove acronyms that contained unloving words. Of the seven acronyms he studied, only three passed the pleasant speaking test:
ALGAE: Always Live Green and Energy Efficiently
ASPOPSER: Assistant Population Sign Maker
BAAA: Become an Animal Advocate
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NEW CLUE IN PRANKS-AGAINST-CANDIDATES CASE
An anonymous letter received by Keith M. Caged, Athol’s East Border Patrol Peace Officer, contained this photograph of a woman’s feet along with a letter stating that said person had been overheard bragging about getting […]
INVENTION TESTER TO RUN ON FORGIVE-OUR-HUSBANDS PARTY TICKET (FOP)
Ms. Lessparts and Huge Bike Man met 46 years ago in kindergarten when Lessparts volunteered to test Bike Man’s roller skates . Lessparts has tested Huge Bike Man’s inventions since the age of six. When […]
MS. NODOFF OFFERS FREE SLEEPWALKING CLASSES FOR MAYORAL RACE CANDIDATES!
“Once the campaign is in full swing, the candidates will need more energy, ” Ms. Nodoff said in a statement early today. ” If you can function completely while sleeping, why not do it?” Ms. Nodoff runs […]
CANDIDATE ACCUSED OF FOCUSING ON PERSONAL NEEDS!
Earlier today, Muffin Man, DOP candidate for mayor, and owner of La Donut Hole, denied that alphabetizing business locations in Athol had anything to do with his new relationship with Mae Pullham, owner of La Dentist. […]
ALIEN MONSTER LABELS AND HALF-EATEN CANDIES MYSTIFY ATHOL BORDER PATROL OFFICER!
Vicious pranks on two mayoral candidates occurred late last night. A person or persons unknown broke into the homes of Yon Wonder, LOP candidate for mayor, and Me-Jane, COP candidate for mayor, applying alien monster stickers […]
THE DAILY ATHOLIAN: 