His hair swept sideways, his smile lopsided, obvious consequences from gravity pull, Sonny Cecil put aside his wilted raspberry and pear salad dinner provided by Yon Wonder to give an update on operations. Asked about the […]
Tag: Satire
GUNHILDA S. ASKEW REVEALS HER MIDDLE NAME: SLIGHTLY
“SLIGHT” CAN BE AN UNPLEASANT WORD, BUT “SLIGHTLY” IS ACCEPTABLE, SAYS ULRIC UDDER. Udder, SLOP candidate for mayor and founder of Anti-V and Anti-S Words Institute, was the recent target of a call from an anonymous […]
GUNHILDA ASKEW PASSES ATHOL’S TEMPORARY RESIDENCY TEST!
GUNHILDA ASKEW RECEIVES POLKA DOT RESIDENCY CARD AND IS ATHOL’S NEW CENSUS TAKER AND HANDWRITING ANALYST! Askew agreed to learn the words to last year’s Athol Greenness Competition, the 3rd question on the Athol Temporary […]
BLACK HOLE RESCUE CONTINUES AFTER BRIEF RESPITE!
LOOMING QUESTIONS: If Muffin Man did not own brown shoe laces, where did he get them? Now that Clothes That Hug You carries only wedding gowns, Me-Jane’s Hardware Store is the only business in Athol that […]
MUSIC ERUPTS FROM BLACK HOLE!
Palpable disappointment at the failure to extract Muffin Man turned to instant joy when “Are You the Man Your Mother thought You’d Be?” echoed forth from the Black Hole. Yon Wonder, LOP candidate for mayor, shared an arrangement […]
GUNHILDA ASKEW WILL TAKE TEMPORARY RESIDENCY TEST!
What does the acronym WWHBSBTMITL represent? What is the newest addition to the Athol Safari? i.e. Rudgear the Rhinoceros. Sing the winning song from last year’s Athol Greenness Competition.
BROWN SHOE LACE VACUUMED FROM BLACK HOLE!
MAE PULLHAM, ATHOL DENTIST AND FRIEND OF MUFFIN MAN, SAID “HE DIDN’T OWN BROWN SHOES.” Ms. Pullham is the niece of Will Pullman, the first dentist to recite Beowulf while extracting a full set of teeth. DID MUFFIN MAN, […]
MAYORAL RACE CANDIDATES HOLD ALL-NIGHT VIGIL FOR MUFFIN MAN!
IN SHOW OF CAMARADERIE COP, LOP, FOP, MOP, POP, SLOP, AND SPOP CANDIDATES WILL HOLD MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR MUFFIN MAN. INDEPENDENT CANDIDATE, GRAMPS #3924, WILL JOIN THEM. LOP candidate, Yon Wonder, will provide an […]
GENERATOR FOR BLACK HOLE RESCUE OF MUFFIN MAN IS UP AND RUNNING!
ATHOLIANS ASKED TO TURN OFF LIGHTS TO SAVE ENERGY FOR RESCUE MISSION. The sabotaged generator has been fixed and tonight, Hugh Bike Man and volunteers will set up camp outside Black Hole. A lottery, […]
GUNHILDA ASKEW, HANDWRITING SPECIALIST AND CENSUS TAKER, COMING TO ATHOL!
APPLICANT INTERVIEW PANEL WILL INCLUDE KEITH M. CAGED, WILL CATCHEM, AND GRAMMY #211. If Gunhilda Askew, resident of Lafayette, CA, is approved by the panel, she will enter Phase Two – Temporary Residency Test. If Ms. Askew passes […]
HANDWRITING ON “TRIP TO BLACK HOLE” LIST IS NOT MUFFIN MAN’S!
ATHOLIANS ARE ASKING WHY IT TOOK KEITH M. CAGED SO LONG TO DISCOVER THIS LATEST CLUE. Mr. Smith, owner of Insect Rehabilitation Center said, “Keith may be overworked. I know what it’s like to be […]
RENTAL RELATIVES AVAILABLE! DO-THE-ATHOL TAP DANCE ADDED TO CLASS LIST!
La House of Slightly Difficult Relatives offers %5 discount on Inspiring Uncle and Fun-loving 3rd Cousin. Henrietta Huphup, owner of La March and Dance Studio, is offering free first lessons to learn Do-The-Athol tap dance. Ms. Huphup […]
WOMAN WITH POLISHED TOENAILS IDENTIFIED! POWER OUTAGE AT BLACK HOLE CAUSED BY SABOTAGE!
EARLY TODAY, SUSPECT PIP LONGSOCK ADMITTED TO COVETING CHOCOLATE, but denied biting into COP candidate Me-Jane’s stash on the night of August 17, 2015. Asked where she was on the evening of the crime, Ms. Longosck claimed she’d […]
NOMOFIRCOFO, PEEPS, PIUS, PUEW, PUEW, AND PUIW CAUSE FUROR IN MAYORAL RACE!
WILL WATT, SPOP CANDIDATE, AND ULRIC UTTER, SLOP CANDIDATE, SQUABBLE OVER ACRONyMS. Will Watt says, Acronyms are “… gd exmples of Shork (Short Speak) and Swite (Short Write). Less hot air, less energy. Gd fr envrnment.” IF ELECTED MAYOR, ULRIC […]
SHORKIST WILL WATT, NEW CANDIDATE IN MAYORAL RACE SAYS, “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!”
WILL WATT ENTERS THE RACE ON THE SPOP (SHORT SPEAKING-ONLY PARTY) PLATFORM. HE RIPS OTHER CANDIDATES APART, SAYING, “Cut vowels.” POP CANDIDATE ELSIE WHAT-WHEN DONATES PHOTOS OF SUMMER, HER SNAIL THAT DIED RECENTLY. “I want to bring […]
CANDIDATES CHANT “BRING BACK MUFFIN MAN, BRING BACK MUFFIN MAN,” INTO THE WEE HOURS OF THE NIGHT!
BESIDES HOSTING AN ALL NIGHT VIGIL, THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE GAVE GENEROUSLY TO THE BLACK HOLE RESCUE MISSION: COP MAYORAL CANDIDATE ME-JANE DONATED A DAY’S SHARE OF CHOCOLATE TO RESCUE EFFORT. “I only hope the volunteers feel […]
VACUUM CLEANERS WILL RESCUE MUFFIN MAN AND LOIS LOIS FROM BLACK HOLE.
VOLUNTEERS NEEDED TO OPERATE VACUUM CLEANERS AND GENERATORS. Hugh Bike Man, inventor of sideways roller skates, believes suction is the answer! In addition to vacuum cleaners, Hugh Bike Man is asking the public’s help in […]
CAN MUFFIN MAN AND LOIS LOIS BE RETRIEVED FROM THE BLACK HOLE?
ATHOL RESIDENT HUGH BIKE MAN MAY HAVE THE SOLUTION. Hugh Bike Man, husband of Ms. Lessparts, running on the FOP (Forgive-Our-Husbands Party) platform and inventor of spongy sidewalks to accommodate pogo stick riders and pole-vaulters, needs […]
“ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS THEMSELVES!” SAYS GRAMPS #3924 ABOUT MAYORAL CANDIDATES
GRAMPS #3924 ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY AS AN INDEPENDENT IN THE ATHOL MAYORAL RACE. Earlier today, Gramps #3924, said, “All these fancy names: COP, DOP, FOP, LOP, MOP, POP, SLOP, promising chocolate, alphabetical businesses, forgiveness, love, […]
MISSING GRATE FROM BLACK HOLE FOUND SEVEN BLOCKS AWAY! MEANWHILE MUFFIN MAN’S DONUT SHOP CLOSES ITS DOOR.
Late yesterday afternoon, Janice J. Heimer-Schmidt found the grate covering the Shimola Ann Bancanfanmannanpanrantanvan Black Hole. Keith M. Caged, East Border Patrol Guard admitted that he had not noticed it missing at the time Muffin Man […]
THE DAILY ATHOLIAN: 