CAGED AND CATCHEM ARE OVERWORKED! A retired guard, name unknown as of this printing, who trained at Maze University in Lafayette, CA , U.S.A.will arrive in a few days to assist Keith M. Caged and Will Catchem […]
Tag: LOL
ASKEW CONTINUES SEARCH FOR WRITER OF MUFFIN MAN’S BLACK HOLE TRIP LIST!
ME-JANE NOT HURT IN MAYORAL VOTE BY HER REFUSAL TO TAKE HANDWRITING TEST! In a survey taken yesterday, 3 out of 4 Atholians said they’d vote for Me-Jane, who’s running on the COP (Chocolate-Only-Party) platform, […]
HUGH BIKE MAN DISAPPEARED INTO BLACK HOLE!
WONDER MAKES PEAR, PROSCIUTTO, AND BRIE SALAD FOR HUGH BIKE MAN & VOLUNTEERS! Yon Wonder, running on the LOP (Loathe-Sticky-Labels-On-Produce) party platform, reported that Bike Man entered The Black Hole at midnight in another attempt to […]
CAGED AND CATCHEM QUESTION PERSONS OF INTEREST IN MUFFIN MAN’S DISAPPEARANCE!
PERSON OF INTEREST PIP LONGSOCK INTERROGATED! Will Catchem questioned Longsock about her whereabouts on the evening of August 17, 2015 when Me-Jane’s chocolate supply was compromised. Longsock said, “I told you before, I spent the night […]
BUSINESS DEALS IN ATHOL!
LA COFFEE SHOP OFFERING FREE DONUT CUBE TO 1ST CUSTOMER! Gramps #3924, manager of La Coffee Shop, and Yon Wonder, Colorful Food Artist, have joined forces to bring more business to downtown Athol. Wonder denied […]
FUROR IN ATHOL OVER USE OF PHRASE, “UNPLEASANT ENGLISH!”
SONNY CECIL OBJECTS TO USE OF “UNPLEASANT ENGLISH,” A TERM CREATED BY ULRIC UTTER. Yesterday’s newsflash used “Unpleasant English” to describe Me-Jane’s reaction to Gunhilda Slightly Askew’s request to stay off chocolate for 24 hrs. CECIL ACCUSES […]
ATHOL RESIDENTS BRACE FOR HANDWRITING ANALYZES!
SUSPICION HOVERS OVER BLACK HOLE TRIP LIST PRESUMABLY WRITTEN BY MUFFIN MAN. Gramps #3924, Independent candidate for mayor, found innocent! ME-JANE, COP CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR, REFUSES TO TAKE HANDWRITING TEST. “Chocolate makes me shake.” When […]
SHOELACES FOUND IN ELVIRA WHIPSNAP’S APARTMENT!
PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, BLACK, WHITE, RED, TURQUOISE, AND FUCHSIA SHOE LACES HUNG FROM CLOTHESPINS. NO BROWN! Whipsnap died on March 21, 2015 at age 99. DR. LONG, ATHOL’S PHYSICIAN AND THERAPIST, SAYS: “Collecting shoe […]
VOLUNTEER RETURNS UNSCATHED FROM BLACK HOLE!
His hair swept sideways, his smile lopsided, obvious consequences from gravity pull, Sonny Cecil put aside his wilted raspberry and pear salad dinner provided by Yon Wonder to give an update on operations. Asked about the […]
GUNHILDA S. ASKEW REVEALS HER MIDDLE NAME: SLIGHTLY
“SLIGHT” CAN BE AN UNPLEASANT WORD, BUT “SLIGHTLY” IS ACCEPTABLE, SAYS ULRIC UDDER. Udder, SLOP candidate for mayor and founder of Anti-V and Anti-S Words Institute, was the recent target of a call from an anonymous […]
BLACK HOLE RESCUE CONTINUES AFTER BRIEF RESPITE!
LOOMING QUESTIONS: If Muffin Man did not own brown shoe laces, where did he get them? Now that Clothes That Hug You carries only wedding gowns, Me-Jane’s Hardware Store is the only business in Athol that […]
MUSIC ERUPTS FROM BLACK HOLE!
Palpable disappointment at the failure to extract Muffin Man turned to instant joy when “Are You the Man Your Mother thought You’d Be?” echoed forth from the Black Hole. Yon Wonder, LOP candidate for mayor, shared an arrangement […]
GUNHILDA ASKEW WILL TAKE TEMPORARY RESIDENCY TEST!
What does the acronym WWHBSBTMITL represent? What is the newest addition to the Athol Safari? i.e. Rudgear the Rhinoceros. Sing the winning song from last year’s Athol Greenness Competition.
BROWN SHOE LACE VACUUMED FROM BLACK HOLE!
MAE PULLHAM, ATHOL DENTIST AND FRIEND OF MUFFIN MAN, SAID “HE DIDN’T OWN BROWN SHOES.” Ms. Pullham is the niece of Will Pullman, the first dentist to recite Beowulf while extracting a full set of teeth. DID MUFFIN MAN, […]
MAYORAL RACE CANDIDATES HOLD ALL-NIGHT VIGIL FOR MUFFIN MAN!
IN SHOW OF CAMARADERIE COP, LOP, FOP, MOP, POP, SLOP, AND SPOP CANDIDATES WILL HOLD MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR MUFFIN MAN. INDEPENDENT CANDIDATE, GRAMPS #3924, WILL JOIN THEM. LOP candidate, Yon Wonder, will provide an […]
GENERATOR FOR BLACK HOLE RESCUE OF MUFFIN MAN IS UP AND RUNNING!
ATHOLIANS ASKED TO TURN OFF LIGHTS TO SAVE ENERGY FOR RESCUE MISSION. The sabotaged generator has been fixed and tonight, Hugh Bike Man and volunteers will set up camp outside Black Hole. A lottery, […]
GUNHILDA ASKEW ADMITS CHEATING IN CONTEST WHEN SHE WAS 25 MONTHS OLD!
RESIDENTS OF ATHOL PREPARE FOR A CENSUS COUNT! Although Gunhilda Askew cheated in the How-Many-Gummies-Are-In-The-Jar contest, the review panel for the position of census taker and handwriting analyst decided Ms. Askew is eminently qualified to pass onto […]
GUNHILDA ASKEW, HANDWRITING SPECIALIST AND CENSUS TAKER, COMING TO ATHOL!
APPLICANT INTERVIEW PANEL WILL INCLUDE KEITH M. CAGED, WILL CATCHEM, AND GRAMMY #211. If Gunhilda Askew, resident of Lafayette, CA, is approved by the panel, she will enter Phase Two – Temporary Residency Test. If Ms. Askew passes […]
HANDWRITING ON “TRIP TO BLACK HOLE” LIST IS NOT MUFFIN MAN’S!
ATHOLIANS ARE ASKING WHY IT TOOK KEITH M. CAGED SO LONG TO DISCOVER THIS LATEST CLUE. Mr. Smith, owner of Insect Rehabilitation Center said, “Keith may be overworked. I know what it’s like to be […]
RENTAL RELATIVES AVAILABLE! DO-THE-ATHOL TAP DANCE ADDED TO CLASS LIST!
La House of Slightly Difficult Relatives offers %5 discount on Inspiring Uncle and Fun-loving 3rd Cousin. Henrietta Huphup, owner of La March and Dance Studio, is offering free first lessons to learn Do-The-Athol tap dance. Ms. Huphup […]
THE DAILY ATHOLIAN: 