ATHOLIANS ASKED TO TURN OFF LIGHTS TO SAVE ENERGY FOR RESCUE MISSION. The sabotaged generator has been fixed and tonight, Hugh Bike Man and volunteers will set up camp outside Black Hole. A lottery, […]
Tag: Unconventional
GUNHILDA ASKEW ADMITS CHEATING IN CONTEST WHEN SHE WAS 25 MONTHS OLD!
RESIDENTS OF ATHOL PREPARE FOR A CENSUS COUNT! Although Gunhilda Askew cheated in the How-Many-Gummies-Are-In-The-Jar contest, the review panel for the position of census taker and handwriting analyst decided Ms. Askew is eminently qualified to pass onto […]
GUNHILDA ASKEW, HANDWRITING SPECIALIST AND CENSUS TAKER, COMING TO ATHOL!
APPLICANT INTERVIEW PANEL WILL INCLUDE KEITH M. CAGED, WILL CATCHEM, AND GRAMMY #211. If Gunhilda Askew, resident of Lafayette, CA, is approved by the panel, she will enter Phase Two – Temporary Residency Test. If Ms. Askew passes […]
SHORKIST WILL WATT, NEW CANDIDATE IN MAYORAL RACE SAYS, “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!”
WILL WATT ENTERS THE RACE ON THE SPOP (SHORT SPEAKING-ONLY PARTY) PLATFORM. HE RIPS OTHER CANDIDATES APART, SAYING, “Cut vowels.” POP CANDIDATE ELSIE WHAT-WHEN DONATES PHOTOS OF SUMMER, HER SNAIL THAT DIED RECENTLY. “I want to bring […]
VACUUM CLEANERS WILL RESCUE MUFFIN MAN AND LOIS LOIS FROM BLACK HOLE.
VOLUNTEERS NEEDED TO OPERATE VACUUM CLEANERS AND GENERATORS. Hugh Bike Man, inventor of sideways roller skates, believes suction is the answer! In addition to vacuum cleaners, Hugh Bike Man is asking the public’s help in […]
CAN MUFFIN MAN AND LOIS LOIS BE RETRIEVED FROM THE BLACK HOLE?
ATHOL RESIDENT HUGH BIKE MAN MAY HAVE THE SOLUTION. Hugh Bike Man, husband of Ms. Lessparts, running on the FOP (Forgive-Our-Husbands Party) platform and inventor of spongy sidewalks to accommodate pogo stick riders and pole-vaulters, needs […]
“ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS THEMSELVES!” SAYS GRAMPS #3924 ABOUT MAYORAL CANDIDATES
GRAMPS #3924 ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY AS AN INDEPENDENT IN THE ATHOL MAYORAL RACE. Earlier today, Gramps #3924, said, “All these fancy names: COP, DOP, FOP, LOP, MOP, POP, SLOP, promising chocolate, alphabetical businesses, forgiveness, love, […]
MISSING GRATE FROM BLACK HOLE FOUND SEVEN BLOCKS AWAY! MEANWHILE MUFFIN MAN’S DONUT SHOP CLOSES ITS DOOR.
Late yesterday afternoon, Janice J. Heimer-Schmidt found the grate covering the Shimola Ann Bancanfanmannanpanrantanvan Black Hole. Keith M. Caged, East Border Patrol Guard admitted that he had not noticed it missing at the time Muffin Man […]
MESSAGE TO CANDIDATES: EMBRACE ONE ANOTHER AND SPEAK IN LOVING TERMS!
In an interview today, Ulric Utter, running on the SLOP platform, begged candidates to eliminate V (violent) words and S (scary) words from their speeches. “Above all”, he stated, “Speak with kindness to one another.” In […]
MORE VICIOUS ATTACKS ON CANDIDATES: BUTTERED ESCARGOT WAS LEFT OUTSIDE ELSIE-WHAT-WHEN’S HOUSE!
In the midst of Muffin Man’s apparent disappearance into the Black Hole, two mayoral candidates of Athol woke this morning to acts of undeniable viciousness. Elsie-What-When, still grieving over the tragic death of Summer, her pet Snail, […]
LIST TITLED “TRIP INTO BLACK HOLE” FOUND IN DONUT HOLE SHOP
Earlier today Keith M. Caged, East Border Patrol Guard, found a paper in La Donut Hole apparently written my Muffin Man listing, “All-Weather Coat, Toothbrush, Toothpaste, Care Package for Lois Lois, Donut Holes, Pajamas, Slippers.” This new […]
ATHOL RESIDENT’S ALL-WEATHER COAT AND TOOTHPASTE FOUND OUTSIDE BLACK HOLE PARK!
Early Tuesday morning, Muffin Man was reported missing when he didn’t come to work a La Donut Hole. A resident, name undisclosed, saw M. Man near the Shimola Ann Bancanfanmannanpanrantanvan Black Hole Park at about 7:45 p.m. Monday evening. An […]
MUFFIN MAN THROWS WILTED LETTUCE DRESSED WITH RASPBERRY VINAIGRETTE AT YON WONDER!
Earlier today at a campaign rally for Yon Wonder, Muffin Man attacked Wonder with three-day old salad greens. Wonder recently changed careers from Fitness Trainer to Colorful Food Artist. Wonder is running on the Loathe-Stickers-On […]
MUFFIN MAN CALLS ARTIST AH AN AMATEUR COLLAGIST! ARTIST AH CALLS MUFFIN MAN A TOADY WADDLER!
No sooner than Artist Ah entered the Mayoral Race on the Most-Certainly party platform (MOP), Muffin Man, running on the Depends-Upon Party (DOP), attacked with vicious slander.
BAN UNPLEASANT WORDS IN ACRONYMS!
Ulric Utter, running on Speak-Lovingly Political Party (SLOP) announced today that if elected Mayor of Athol, he would remove acronyms that contained unloving words. Of the seven acronyms he studied, only three passed the pleasant speaking test:
ALGAE: Always Live Green and Energy Efficiently
ASPOPSER: Assistant Population Sign Maker
BAAA: Become an Animal Advocate
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NEW CLUE IN PRANKS-AGAINST-CANDIDATES CASE
An anonymous letter received by Keith M. Caged, Athol’s East Border Patrol Peace Officer, contained this photograph of a woman’s feet along with a letter stating that said person had been overheard bragging about getting […]
CANDIDATE ACCUSED OF FOCUSING ON PERSONAL NEEDS!
Earlier today, Muffin Man, DOP candidate for mayor, and owner of La Donut Hole, denied that alphabetizing business locations in Athol had anything to do with his new relationship with Mae Pullham, owner of La Dentist. […]
ALIEN MONSTER LABELS AND HALF-EATEN CANDIES MYSTIFY ATHOL BORDER PATROL OFFICER!
Vicious pranks on two mayoral candidates occurred late last night. A person or persons unknown broke into the homes of Yon Wonder, LOP candidate for mayor, and Me-Jane, COP candidate for mayor, applying alien monster stickers […]
SYMBOL FOR LOP (LOATHE-STICKERS-ON-FRUIT AND VEGGIES) POLITICAL PARTY
Today, Yon Wonder chose the symbol for LOP party. Wonder just changed his career of Athol fitness trainer to Colorful Food Artist.
FITNESS TRAINER BECOMES FOOD ARTIST
YON WONDER, ATHOL’S FITNESS TRAINER, CHANGES CAREERS! HE’S DOING WHAT HE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO: CREATE COLORFUL FOOD ART.
THE DAILY ATHOLIAN: 