AFTER GUNHILDA SLIGHT ASKEW WAS CAUGHT KISSING LOOKEEHERE, SHE PLEADED FOR MERCY! IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP HER JOB, ASKEW DOUBLES HER HOURS TO TAKE THE CENSUS AND FIND OUT WHO FORGED BLACK HOLE TRIP […]
Tag: LOL
DRAFT BEGINS! ATHOLIANS AGES 10 – 70 MUST VOLUNTEER TO RESCUE MUFFIN MAN FROM BLACK HOLE!
2ND COUSIN ONCE REMOVED OPENS DRAFT CENTER IN LIBRARY. Temporary Hours : Saturday, Oppositional Gravity Center Room, 7 a.m. to 7:45 a.m. Monday – Friday, La House of Hole Detection Room, 7 a.m. to 7:45 a.m. […]
MWAFUWIDGTDCS AND MWAFUWIGETDECS MAY BE BANNED AS ACRONYMS!
AADTITUOF (ATHOL ACRONYM COMMITTEE TO IMPROVE THE UNDERSTANDING OF ACRONYMS ) HOLDS CLOSED SESSION! MWAFUWIDGTDCS – Mothers Who Are Fed Up With Daughters Getting Their Designer Clothes Stained. MWAFUWIGETDECS – Mothers Who Are Fed Up […]
ME-JANE CONFESSES! I DID IT! I CANNOT TELL A LIE!
ME-JANE, COP (CHOCOLATE-ONLY-PARTY) MAYORAL CANDIDATE ADMITTED THAT NO ONE BROKE INTO HER HOUSE AND TOOK BITES OUT OF HER STASH! OTHER CANDIDATES WERE ASKED IF THEY THOUGHT ME-JANE SHOULD QUIT THE RACE.
TUNNELS DUG BY MOLES SPELL OUT: YOU’RE HOT, MAN!
LIONEL LOOKEEHERE DISCOVERS TUNNEL-MADE SENTENCES! While checking out the tunnel from Elvira Whipsnap’s home, Lookeehere discovered the mole’s message. OFFICIALS OF MOLETOWN CONFIRM DISCOVERY! Grand Chief’s spokesmole, who has been unavailable for comment since the […]
AUTOPSY REVEALS SUMMER THE SNAIL WAS SAUTEED!
DISTRAUGHT ELSIE-WHAT-WHEN WITHDRAWS FROM MAYORAL RACE! What-When, running on the POP (Promise-To-Keep-Our-Promise) Party, intends to spend the rest of her days healing at La Shimy Hime’s School of Love and finding Summer’s killer. NEW MYSTERY: WHO WAS […]
ULRIC UTTER AND KEITH M. CAGED HAVE NASAL CONGESTION!
ULRIC UTTER, SLOP (SPEAK-LOVINGLY-ONLY-PARTY) CANDIDATE RECOVERING SLOWLY FROM ON AND OFF SOBBING! “Repulsive,” “nasty,” and “loser” were the words that sent Ulric Utter into despair. According to Dr. Long, oppressive word therapist, “If Ulric Utter […]
X-RATED BOOK FOUND IN LOIS LOIS’S CARE PACKAGE CONTAINS CODED MESSAGE!
DR. LONG, WORD-MEANING THERAPIST, EXPLAINS THE IMPORTANCE OF THE UNDERLINED WORDS IN X-RATED BOOK: RABBIT, LIKE, YOU, A, RAN, ALSO! POSSIBLE CODE SENTENCE: You also ran, like a rabbit Also, a rabbit ran like you […]
ELSIE-WHAT-WHEN AWAITS RESULTS ON SAUTEED ESCARGOT AUTOPSY!
Earlier this fall What-When, POP (Promise-To-Keep-Our-Promise) candidate woke to the horrifying sight and odor of sizzling snails. She fears one of the them is her beloved Summer the Snail. Earlier she’d found a crushed snail […]
POLITICAL CAMPAIGN TURNS SOUR!
RECAP OF INCIDENTS IN MAYORAL RACE: PERSON UNKNOWN STICKS ALIEN MONSTER LABELS ON YON WONDER’S PRODUCE! Wonder is running on the LOP (Loathe-Sticky-Labels-On-Produce) party. WONDER’S PARTY STATEMENT: My only concern is to keep produce from bruising. […]
ATHOL FALMART HOUSE HAS ITS FIRST BIRTHING!
WASHING MACHINE AND DRYER “BIRTH” INSIDE J. HEIMER-SCHMIDT HOUSE Janice J. and John J Heimer-Schmidt are the lucky owners of the very first “birthing” in a Falmart Select House. By definition a “select” house is built over […]
LIONEL LOOKEEHERE IN ATHOL TO INVESTIGATE TUNNEL IN WHIPSNAP’S CLOSET!
Minutes after arriving from Lafayette, CA, Lookeehere ate a hearty breakfast of oatmeal, one poached egg, one scrambled egg, one donut cube, and a Belgian waffle. A tea blend of boysenberry and Cherymoya (acquired in a […]
2ND COUSIN ONCE REMOVED TO HEAD DRAFT TO ENLIST ATHOL RESIDENTS!
DRAFT A RESULT OF FEARFUL BLACK HOLE VOLUNTEERS RESIGNING! Common denominators that connect Muffin Man and Hugh Bike Man. Both recently disappeared in to The Black Hole. 2ND COUSIN-ONCE- REMOVED’S EXPERIENCE […]
ADDITIONS TO ATHOL OPPOSITIONAL GRAVITY EXHIBIT and MEET MELODY AGOGO!
VISIT OPPOSITIONAL GRAVITY EXHIBIT TO SEE OTHER AMAZING PHOTOGRPAHS! OUR NEW SERIES – INTRODUCING ATHOL RESIDENTS! MELODY AGOGO Agogo organized closets at the age of two. At three she mitered a bed sheet with perfection. […]
NEW EVIDENCE SUGGESTS MUFFIN MAN’S BLACK HOLE TRIP LIST A SET UP!
ATHOL RESIDENT COMES FORTH WITH CRUCIAL INFORMATION! Black Hole Trip List items: All-Weather Coat, Toothbrush, Toothpaste, Care Package for Lois Lois, Donut Holes, Pajamas, Slippers. According to NU (Name Undisclosed,) Muffin Man did not wear slippers. […]
LA HOUSE OF SLIGHTLY DIFFICULT RELATIVES DEMANDS APOLOGY FROM PAPER!
A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE ORGANIZATION SAID, “We never used the word ‘Escapes,’” in reference to the headlines on October 6, 2015, ‘CLIENT OF LA HOUSE OF SLIGHTLY DIFFICULT RELATIVES ESCAPES!’ The editor of this paper […]
SPOP (SHORT SPEAKING PARTY) CANDIDATE WILL WATT SAYS: ATHL MST MVE FRWRD!
WILL WATT INTERVIEWED ABOUT BLACK HOLE MISSION Watt, an advocate of Shorking (Short Speaking), pleaded to the masses to Shork ” We r usg mssve amts of energy 2 sve Mffn Mn. Plse Shork! Lss […]
CLIENT OF LA HOUSE OF SLIGHTLY DIFFICULT RELATIVES ESCAPES!
DISTANT COUSIN MISSING! La House of Slightly Difficult Relatives did not have a photo of Distant Cousin. YON WONDER PASSES SECTION ONE OF WRITING TEST! Wonder, running on LOP (Loathe-Sticky-Labels-On-Produce) platform will retake Section […]
DID ELVIRA WHIPSNAP DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES?
TUNNEL DISCOVERY UNLEASHES QUESTIONS ABOUT WHIPSNAP’S DEATH! Ms. Nodoff reveals Whipsnap and Muffin Man’s father, Bran Man, had been in a relationship for many years. Nodoff claimed she had no further information about the liaison. This news opens […]
THE DAILY ATHOLIAN: 