TEETH MARKS ON CANDY IN J. HEIMER-SCHMIDT HOUSE MATCH THOSE IN THE BITTEN CHOCOLATE IN ME-JANE’S STASH. HAVING ALREADY CONFESSED TO FALSELY ACCUSING SOMEONE OF COMPROMISING HER CHOCOLATE STASH, ME-JANE ADDS TO HER WOES BY […]
Category: COP
TOP 2015 ATHOLIAN ACHIEVERS!
ME-JANE AND WILL WATT TO RUN AS CO-MAYORS! THEIR PLAN FOR ATHOL!
CULPRIT FOUND! YON WONDER ROASTED TURKEY FROM ATHOL SAFARI PARK!
KLEIN HIME DISCOVERS ANTIDOTE TO UNSHRINK HIS WIFE!
ME-JANE CONFESSES! I DID IT! I CANNOT TELL A LIE!
ME-JANE, COP (CHOCOLATE-ONLY-PARTY) MAYORAL CANDIDATE ADMITTED THAT NO ONE BROKE INTO HER HOUSE AND TOOK BITES OUT OF HER STASH! OTHER CANDIDATES WERE ASKED IF THEY THOUGHT ME-JANE SHOULD QUIT THE RACE.
ULRIC UTTER AND KEITH M. CAGED HAVE NASAL CONGESTION!
ULRIC UTTER, SLOP (SPEAK-LOVINGLY-ONLY-PARTY) CANDIDATE RECOVERING SLOWLY FROM ON AND OFF SOBBING! “Repulsive,” “nasty,” and “loser” were the words that sent Ulric Utter into despair. According to Dr. Long, oppressive word therapist, “If Ulric Utter […]
POLITICAL CAMPAIGN TURNS SOUR!
RECAP OF INCIDENTS IN MAYORAL RACE: PERSON UNKNOWN STICKS ALIEN MONSTER LABELS ON YON WONDER’S PRODUCE! Wonder is running on the LOP (Loathe-Sticky-Labels-On-Produce) party. WONDER’S PARTY STATEMENT: My only concern is to keep produce from bruising. […]
ATHOL FALMART HOUSE HAS ITS FIRST BIRTHING!
WASHING MACHINE AND DRYER “BIRTH” INSIDE J. HEIMER-SCHMIDT HOUSE Janice J. and John J Heimer-Schmidt are the lucky owners of the very first “birthing” in a Falmart Select House. By definition a “select” house is built over […]
ASKEW CONTINUES SEARCH FOR WRITER OF MUFFIN MAN’S BLACK HOLE TRIP LIST!
ME-JANE NOT HURT IN MAYORAL VOTE BY HER REFUSAL TO TAKE HANDWRITING TEST! In a survey taken yesterday, 3 out of 4 Atholians said they’d vote for Me-Jane, who’s running on the COP (Chocolate-Only-Party) platform, […]
ATHOL RESIDENTS BRACE FOR HANDWRITING ANALYZES!
SUSPICION HOVERS OVER BLACK HOLE TRIP LIST PRESUMABLY WRITTEN BY MUFFIN MAN. Gramps #3924, Independent candidate for mayor, found innocent! ME-JANE, COP CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR, REFUSES TO TAKE HANDWRITING TEST. “Chocolate makes me shake.” When […]
BLACK HOLE RESCUE CONTINUES AFTER BRIEF RESPITE!
LOOMING QUESTIONS: If Muffin Man did not own brown shoe laces, where did he get them? Now that Clothes That Hug You carries only wedding gowns, Me-Jane’s Hardware Store is the only business in Athol that […]
WOMAN WITH POLISHED TOENAILS IDENTIFIED! POWER OUTAGE AT BLACK HOLE CAUSED BY SABOTAGE!
EARLY TODAY, SUSPECT PIP LONGSOCK ADMITTED TO COVETING CHOCOLATE, but denied biting into COP candidate Me-Jane’s stash on the night of August 17, 2015. Asked where she was on the evening of the crime, Ms. Longosck claimed she’d […]
CANDIDATES CHANT “BRING BACK MUFFIN MAN, BRING BACK MUFFIN MAN,” INTO THE WEE HOURS OF THE NIGHT!
BESIDES HOSTING AN ALL NIGHT VIGIL, THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE GAVE GENEROUSLY TO THE BLACK HOLE RESCUE MISSION: COP MAYORAL CANDIDATE ME-JANE DONATED A DAY’S SHARE OF CHOCOLATE TO RESCUE EFFORT. “I only hope the volunteers feel […]
MESSAGE TO CANDIDATES: EMBRACE ONE ANOTHER AND SPEAK IN LOVING TERMS!
In an interview today, Ulric Utter, running on the SLOP platform, begged candidates to eliminate V (violent) words and S (scary) words from their speeches. “Above all”, he stated, “Speak with kindness to one another.” In […]
COP, DOP, FOP, LOP, MOP, POP, AND SLOP CANDIDATES RUN FOR MAYOR OF ATHOL
Me-Jane is running on COP (Chocolate-Only-Party) ticket. “Chocolate should be available day and night.” Muffin Man is running on DOP (Depends-Upon Party) ticket. “Athol businesses should be alphabetically situated.” Ms. Lessparts is running on FOP […]
NEW CLUE IN PRANKS-AGAINST-CANDIDATES CASE
An anonymous letter received by Keith M. Caged, Athol’s East Border Patrol Peace Officer, contained this photograph of a woman’s feet along with a letter stating that said person had been overheard bragging about getting […]
ALIEN MONSTER LABELS AND HALF-EATEN CANDIES MYSTIFY ATHOL BORDER PATROL OFFICER!
Vicious pranks on two mayoral candidates occurred late last night. A person or persons unknown broke into the homes of Yon Wonder, LOP candidate for mayor, and Me-Jane, COP candidate for mayor, applying alien monster stickers […]
COP ANNOUNCES POLITICAL PARTY SYMBOL
Me-Jane, COP candidate, choses their party’s new political symbol!
THE DAILY ATHOLIAN: 