TEETH MARKS ON CANDY IN J. HEIMER-SCHMIDT HOUSE MATCH THOSE IN THE BITTEN CHOCOLATE IN ME-JANE’S STASH. HAVING ALREADY CONFESSED TO FALSELY ACCUSING SOMEONE OF COMPROMISING HER CHOCOLATE STASH, ME-JANE ADDS TO HER WOES BY […]
ME-JANE, COP (CHOCOLATE-ONLY-PARTY) MAYORAL CANDIDATE ADMITTED THAT NO ONE BROKE INTO HER HOUSE AND TOOK BITES OUT OF HER STASH! OTHER CANDIDATES WERE ASKED IF THEY THOUGHT ME-JANE SHOULD QUIT THE RACE.
ULRIC UTTER, SLOP (SPEAK-LOVINGLY-ONLY-PARTY) CANDIDATE RECOVERING SLOWLY FROM ON AND OFF SOBBING! “Repulsive,” “nasty,” and “loser” were the words that sent Ulric Utter into despair. According to Dr. Long, oppressive word therapist, “If Ulric Utter […]
RECAP OF INCIDENTS IN MAYORAL RACE: PERSON UNKNOWN STICKS ALIEN MONSTER LABELS ON YON WONDER’S PRODUCE! Wonder is running on the LOP (Loathe-Sticky-Labels-On-Produce) party. WONDER’S PARTY STATEMENT: My only concern is to keep produce from bruising. […]
WASHING MACHINE AND DRYER “BIRTH” INSIDE J. HEIMER-SCHMIDT HOUSE Janice J. and John J Heimer-Schmidt are the lucky owners of the very first “birthing” in a Falmart Select House. By definition a “select” house is built over […]
ME-JANE NOT HURT IN MAYORAL VOTE BY HER REFUSAL TO TAKE HANDWRITING TEST! In a survey taken yesterday, 3 out of 4 Atholians said they’d vote for Me-Jane, who’s running on the COP (Chocolate-Only-Party) platform, […]
PERSON OF INTEREST PIP LONGSOCK INTERROGATED! Will Catchem questioned Longsock about her whereabouts on the evening of August 17, 2015 when Me-Jane’s chocolate supply was compromised. Longsock said, “I told you before, I spent the night […]
SUSPICION HOVERS OVER BLACK HOLE TRIP LIST PRESUMABLY WRITTEN BY MUFFIN MAN. Gramps #3924, Independent candidate for mayor, found innocent! ME-JANE, COP CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR, REFUSES TO TAKE HANDWRITING TEST. “Chocolate makes me shake.” When […]