IMPORTANT EVENTS:
House of Slightly Difficult Relatives Opens Non-Profit Barber Shop:
REPORT FROM WASHINGTON, D.C., U.S.A.: 
Campaign Quote Undergoing Comprehensive Study:
“We don’t win anymore. It will change. We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with winning. Believe me. You’ll never get bored with winning. You’ll never get bored!”
ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT:
WEDDINGS AND OTHER SOCIAL EVENTS:
Elsie What-When, Owner of Elsie What-When’s Emotions Clinic Admits to Seeing a Client on a Non-Professional Basis:
SCIENCE NEWS:
MISCELLANEOUS:
Temporary Hold Placed on fundraising for the Annual Clean Your Ears Day. Organizer of celebration, Athol Forgiveness Counselor, explains:
THE DAILY ATHOLIAN: 