Gramps #3924’s Puns

Some called him ‘the invisible dromedary’, but in reality he wasn’t invisible; he was just really well camel-flaged.

Young animal doctors are vet behind the ears.

It’s a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed. 

Old white blood cells lymph around the body.

African safari rangers sometimes have to meet dead-lions like the rest of us.

A man woke up in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor I can’t feel my legs.” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t. I cut off your arms.”

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; but the light bulb has to really want to change.

 If a guy is picked up for stealing human hearts from a morgue is that a cardiac arrest?

What is worse than being in dire straits? Being in Baring’s Straits. There’s the one about a fisherman who exchanged a seabird for a sausage. Yup. He took a tern for the wurst.

And there was a naughty kid who was called the “German Sausage” because he was the wurst braut anybody ever saw.

How about the ailing poet who started writing before breakfast? He went from bed to verse.

Is it politically correct to refer to a balding gent as follically challenged?

A cannibal student was suspended from school. … It seems he was buttering up his Math teacher.

What has 4 legs and one arm? … A pit bull leaving a playground.

How to catch a squirrel? … Climb a tree and act like a NUT.

Have you heard about the ex-underwear salesman who has been debriefed?

I know a guy who has one of those circular driveways. He can’t get out.

How do you get down from an elephant?  You don’t, you get down from a duck.

What is grey and not there?  No elephants.

Why are elephants wrinkled?  Have you ever tried to iron one?

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?  Your nose is touching the ceiling.

How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card.

Why do elephants have trunks?  Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

What do you give a seasick elephant?  Lots of room.

What was the elephant doing on the road?  Oh, maybe 2 miles per hour.

How to catch a squirrel? Climb the tree and act like a NUT.

News Item: 100 wigs were stolen.  Police are combing the area.

Receptionist at the incontinence hot line: “Can you hold?”

What STD do birds get? … Chirpies. … It is a CARDINAL disease; and it is untweetable.

I had a huge argument with the manager of my local italian restaurant.  I gave him a pizza my mind.

When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

One time I had insomnia, so I went to take some sleeping pills, but I didn’t want to wake them up.

Did you know that people tend to tell worse puns as they get older?  That’s why we call them groan-ups.

I used to work at a massage parlor, but I got fired. They said I rubbed every body the wrong way.

Old kings never die; they just get throne away.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure…

Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying.  I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.

 My friend Max hates going up steep hills. He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

 My brother once drew on his face with a green permanant marker pen. We never managed to get it off, so now he’s just known as the Indelible Hulk.

 I used to want to be a gold prospector, but it didn’t pan out.

The police caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom window, stood on a set of scales and gave himself a weigh.

The price of chess pieces was going up. I had to buy quickly, so I decided to contact my pawn broker.

Did you hear the one about the man who dreamed he was a muffler on a car and a part of the wheel?  He woke up exhausted and tired.

Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus. They plan to call it mass transit.

I had a nightmare that I was in Panama during a snowstorm. I was dreaming of a white isthmus.

One day in a bare field Alicia Algae met Fred Fungus, and they sat down on a rock for a while because they took a lichen to each other.

 I took my garbage out to give it to the trash collectors, but I found I’d missed them — they’d already bin and gone.

How can you tell when a bucket gets sick? It becomes a little pale.

I told my psychiatrist I kept dreaming about two computer geeks.  He told me I was pair o’ nerd.

I had a very nervous guitar playing friend. He was always fretting about something.

A man ate wheat even though he was allergic to it, because he was a gluten for punishment.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.

It’s a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

The harm caused by sibling rivalry is relative.

The couple who met in a revolving door are still going round together.

There was a fight in the candy store. Two suckers got licked.

What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Can’t elope.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

During an earthquake in California a bank went into default.

Yesterday I rode my bike twice, I guess that makes me a recycler.

He bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.

If you think you are a set of curtains, either see a psychiatrist or pull yourself together.

A hen is an egg spurt at what she does.

Why did the chicken stop in the middles of the road?  Because it wanted to lay it on the line.

What time do hens get up?  The quack of dawn.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a martian?  An eggs-traterrestrial

A blonde husband wanted to learn how to make an omelette. He was told that to start he had to separate two eggs, so he put one in the kitchen and one in the hall!

What did Snow White call her chicken?  Egg White

What did the chick say when his mum laid an orange? Look what marmalade.

How long does it take an egg to cook?  It depends on what it is cooking.

What do you call a city of 20 million eggs?  New Yolk City

5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.

I sent a package the other day, but when it arrived it was all damp.  I complained at the post office, and they said it must have had postage dew.

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

 This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

 They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants. His charge? Turd debris assault

 What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? A military coo.

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?” he asked. “No.” A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man’s leg. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” he said indignantly. The other guy replied, “That’s not my dog.”

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 Why was the car embarrassed? Because it had gas!

What did the big car say to the small car that stalled? You auto know better.

Did you hear about the man who attached two snakes to the front of his car? He called them his windshield vipers.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.

Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.

You hear about the roll of toilet paper who went two-ply for a job?

I’ve learned…that life is like a roll of toilet paper. 
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Artificial knees and elbows were developed during a joint project.

Your nose is in the scenter of your face.

What did the guy say, who needed the restroom, when he found someone blocking him? ‘Urine my way’.

Watching your own back is a sign of flexibility.

If you have sticky buns you shouldn’t put pants on.

I couldn’t decide which of two physicians to see. It was a paradox. 

Say, did you hear about the man who went to buy some invisible trousers, but couldn’t find any.  

A surgery nurse was demoted for being absent without gauze. 

They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein. 

An optometrist told his patient: ‘It appears your vision is improving!’ ‘Really?’ replied the patient. ‘Must be the luck of the iris.’